“I want you back.”
“I can’t…I…I’ve moved on.”
“But I love you.”
“This is too much for me to handle right now…I need time to think.”
Love had always been a myth. I had heard of it many times before and having had my fare share of tempestuous bitter sweet affairs in years past, I did not believe that it was real. Could it happen? Could one truly learn what it meant to love someone else?
“It was great seeing you again today.”
*Lovestruck face emoji*
“Yeah, me too…your friends are really something aren’t they.”
“You’ll get used to them with time don’t worry.”
*Winky face emoji*
“I’m not sure that’s something I want to bank on.”
*See No Evil Monkey emoji* *Laughing emoji*
We had genuinely laughed, obliged and exchanged the tender sentiments. They were warm, free. Nothing ever felt involuntary or pretentious whenever we were together. Maybe this was love.
I scrolled up, the screen brightening as I gazed amused at the days long gone. Here I was alone in my room blushing…me…like a twelve year old love-struck ninny perusing through time paused in pictures and text. I didn’t care.
My eyes froze, stumbling upon the façade of the woman who had liberated my inhibitions in totality. She was my poison yet still I drank, hunting the freedom our indulgence availed to me. There and then I thought, I must partake of it once more; to taste if just this one last time. I stretched out…but still…I couldn’t take it.
Suddenly I was confronted with flashes of squandered moments; instances before reason returned and let her slip through my fingers, wander from my grip and be lost to me.
Here I sat now, beaming down at the memoirs that these archived words resurfaced in me. The raw sincere laughter and unhindered impulsiveness was even clear in the way we texted one another. Argh…To hell with reason…
“I… didn’t know myself when I was with you but…”
Think dummy…but what?
“… I… did not want to. You made me feel so alive. I miss that…I…I miss you.”
Sigh…What are you doing you idiot? Stop torturing yourself.
*Huriedly deletes draft and continues scrolling up. Sigh of relief.*
I was content with wandering in this utopia that we had created and I enjoyed letting my guard down in theory more than in reality.
*Scrolling faster now*
“I like your smile.”
I smiled…shamefaced yet fulfilled. I was her Solomon and she my Delilah. She drained my will and strength but my acumen did nothing to abase the craving inside. I yearned for her even more intensely now so much so that I couldn’t think straight. So I sought to hold her, to have her again, to…to let go of self-consciousness and plunge back to spontaneity. I stretched out my hand to grab it…once more I couldn’t do it.
This blooming young man had married truth. God, sense and maturity had cloaked me with responsibility…accountability. I had to forsake the basking of my frivolous youth. I could no longer plummet into thoughtless passionate animalistic exchange without engaging my lucidity. I was no longer free to be…shameless?
“You love the way you were when I was with you. Let’s face it, we can never be together. We want different things.”
“Still, is it so bad to expect more? I know I wasn’t perfect but I can change.”
“I know you can but I just can’t be there to pick you back up when you crumble under the guilt. I made my choice; it’s time you made yours.”
She was right. I marveled at the reality of my fixation to the past. I had to make my choice.
What was I doing?
*Exits to Whatsapp chats…long presses*
Delete chat with Tina?
*Exits to home screen*
I had found something amidst nostalgic resonance and hot blooded passion; Self- control. It empowered me…welcomed me with open arms. I had done it; said goodbye to what I lost. Lost? No…What I gained because I was willing to love enough let go. I had made my decision now. I was content with slaying my fore longing. I was at peace with staying…NEW.
Make sure to catch up with LOST_PART ONE, i’m sure you’ll like it. If you enjoyed this read, i’d love to hear all about it, from one rambler to another…hehe.